Sovay was a year old when I started intermittantly doing drugs and she was five years old when I tried to kill myself, experienced a moment of satori, went cold turkey, and starting fighting back.

The first thing I did was give myself permission to be tired.  Self medicating for chronic exhaustion with street drugs was not an answer that worked.  The first two years were the hardest.  Every time I got tired, I wanted to do a line.  Another thing I did was keep a diary.  I wrote it in a combination of Norse runes and the Enockian Alphabet.

i used a different set of codes to record instances and levels of psychological abuse.  The harder I tried to get free, the more he upped the ante, and eventually it turned into a psychotic chess game.  I was never good at chess and deception.  As a result i got checkmated continuously over the next five years.

A pattern developed in which if i ‘misbehaved’ my daughter would disappear.

What I did understand and was good at was the physical side of fighting.  But I had an ingrained reluctance to hit first that was so strong that, no matter how ugly he got, I could not hit him unless he swung at me first.  Once he did that, I beat the shit out of him.  Toward the end, he would get in a couple of blows and run, jump the back fence, and call the cops on me from a friend’s house in order to frighten me.  But he would never press charges or be there when the police arrived.  There were these two cops, one of them was a white-haired older man that would give me a bemused look and shake his head.  Once I caught onto my ex’s game, I would sit on the steps of the front porch and wait for the cops to arrive, chat nicely with them, and they would leave.  My ex would show up a few minutes after they had left wearing a shitty grin.

i’m not writing this in perfect chronological order.  I have to write what I can handle as I can handle it.  But the only cure for lies is the truth.  The lies and false allegations that are following me around right now, the ones that Dagstine and Philbin are passing around, have the potential to become permanent.  I have seen it happen to others.

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