Once upon a time there was an ugly black feathered bird who stood on a blogline pole and spit at people passing. It was an evil bird. When people noticed him spitting and sputtering, he immediately began to cry, “Waaah! Waaah! E-lawyer! E-lawyer!”

Well, at first people were alarmed at this. However, one day a little girl named Jane Rae Brite approached and the bird immediately noticed that she had a limp, wore glasses, and carried a manuscript under her arm. The Waah Waah bird craned its neck and looked at her, kind of like those pictures of Valley Girls. “Wannabe! Wannabe!”

Jane Rae Brite looked up at him and said, “I’m published in an anthology by DAW Books.”

“Has been! Has been!” The Waah Waah bird spun around and dumped a load of bird shit on her head.

Jane Rae Brite rushed off to wash her hair. Once she was all nice and clean again, she once more headed for the post office to mail her novel off to her agent.

As she walked past the Waah Waah bird, he looked at her again with his Valley Girl look, and screamed, “Stupid Cripple! Special Olympics reject. Waaah! Waah!”

Then he spun around and took a dump on her again.

This made little Jane Rae very angry. Once more she washed her hair and started to the post office again. And, yes, she had to pass the Waah Waah bird.

This time she took an umbrella along, even though it was not going to rain that day.

The Waah Waah bird took a dump in her direction, but this time the shit landed upon the umbrella and missed her. “Batshit Crazy!” cried the bird.

“Just who do you think you are?” Jane Rae demanded.

“Lawrence Dagstine is my name,” said the Waah Waah bird.

On hearing his name, Jane Rae knew what to do, for knowing the name of the beast gives a person power.

Invoking her mighty muse, Jane Rae Brite shoved the point on the top of the umbrella at him. The point went up his arse and out his mouth.

So ended the tale of the Waah Waah Bird named Lawrence Dagstine.

And Jane Rae Brite published her stories happily ever after.