Earlier today I made this post at young turks.

Over the past few weeks, I have been descending back into hell with my PTSD.  I can’t fall any further down unless I were to become homeless again.  So far I have staved that off for ten years.  Once is enough.  From March to September of 2000 I slept in a friend’s barn because their house was too small to add one more into the mix.  I had made one last desperate attempt to hold down a job.  And I had failed.  The magic of my youth was gone by then.  Bimbos are cheaper and prettier.  I was also having trouble with my hearing and that did not help matters.  It still comes and goes.  I finally put a sign on my door “knock loudly.  Hard of hearing.”  Not that that does much good.  I still miss packages.

It seems to be cyclic.  It probably has a trigger, but if so, it is one I can’t recognize.  I can’t seem to catch myself on the way down.

It all seems to have started in 2007.  That’s the year that I started to sink.  This time two years ago I was playing warcraft obsessively and not talking to anyone, not even my daughter.  I crashed into a wall of depression that lasted for six months.  Then Tim Willard and Steven Beeho started dragging me out.  A flurry of temper and a feeling of hopelessness in May of 2009 led to me tossing my landline phone out the window.  Again, Tim and Steven dragged me out again.  Mostly Tim that time.

In March of this year and again in August, Sovay pulled me out.

It got very bad today, but this time Phil told me to do something normal, like making coffee.  I had already made coffee, already done everything I could think of and then I did something that made me shake.  I went to the second floor porch and stared out a window.  Then I went out the front door.  Natalie went with me.  For the first time since February I was actually outside of my room and outside of the building.  I’m feeling calmer.  Tomorrow I am taking my little walker and trying to make the distance of half a block and back.  I know it will make me hurt like a stuck pig, but maybe pain is good for something.